What Obama Really Said Last Night

By John R. Guardiano on 12.2.09 @ 6:07AM

Last night, President Obama delivered an historic speech to the nation and to the world on his plans for Afghanistan. Here, in sum, is what the president said:

I really don't want to be commander-in-chief, but I'll do it if I have to -- at least for a little while, and then we'll see. Just so long as it doesn't cost too much, or take too long, or interfere with my plans to nationalize healthcare and fundamentally change America.

We Americans didn't ask for this war; and God knows I didn't either. But I'll certainly make sure we end this war, and soon. I have bigger fish to fry, after all. This war is a distraction from my domestic left-wing agenda and my need to bring "change" to America.

So Afghanis, get your act together. We'll help you for the next 18 months or so and then we're hightailing it out of here. I have to worry about other threats and other dangers. And, most importantly, I have to worry about healthcare and "change."

Yes, I know our soldiers and marines inspire confidence, while conveying an indomitable can-do spirit. But chalk that up to the naivety of youth.

I myself never served in the military, but let me tell you: These guys -- and especially the marines -- are a little nuts. I mean, they're all volunteers; they all believe deeply in America -- and in America as it is, and not in America as I will soon remake it -- and they all have this touching but wild-eyed optimism in America's ability to change the world.

But hey, I'm the president. I can't be swayed by the young idealists and optimists who enlist in and join the U.S. military. And you Afghanis shouldn't take our young people too seriously either. I don't care how much they help you and how much you come to like and admire them. They're all (well most of them anyhow) callow youth who fail to see the bigger picture.

The reality is that America can only do so much. Never mind that we put a man on the moon. Some things are just beyond our capacity; and helping your government and your people enter the 17th Century may be more than we Americans can handle. It's certainly more than I want to handle. What can I say? Life's tough. Deal with it.

Anyway, I have to get back to healthcare and domestic change. As I say, you have 18 months. Use it and lose it, Mohammed. Hopefully that'll be enough time for things to work out in your favor. If not, well, I'm sorry. At least everyone will know that we tried, and I can escape blame for losing. Later.

John R. Guardiano served as a Marine in Iraq and once worked on the Army's Future Combat Systems (FCS) modernization program.